Category 5 feels

María, se fue para casa de su tía...y su tía tenía una alcancía, una alcancía...

It's past midnight here in Seattle and I'm WAY TOO AWAKE listening to throwback Vico-C and trying to keep my mind away from the horrible monster about to claw its way through my beautiful home.

I'm experiencing a lot of feels right now! A lot!

Fear for people whose homes might not stand the abuse of 160mph winds. Sadness and worry that I'm not in San Juan with my mom who's weathering the storm in my house all by herself. Anger that this stupid swirling mess of wind and rain couldn't inch a couple hundred miles north. More anger (with a splash of guilt and regret) that I live so far away from the place and people I love.

That last one is the real kicker, the reason why I might have to take a Benadryl tonight. Distance just feels SO REAL in moments of crisis. And it's not about feeling like I need to be home to make myself useful. Even though I was the professional storm shutter installer in my house, I know there's not much humans can do to stop mother nature's wrath.

It's less about IMPOTENCE more about CLOSENESS.

I want to tip toe through the house to find matches so I can once again beat my family at Monopoly. (Ja!) I want to hear the scary noise the wind makes and yell at my sister across the hall to make sure she's ok. I want to hold my mom's hand and tell her that I'm there for her, always always, and that she shouldn't mop the water flooding our living room because our floor is super slippery and she might fall. The fact that I can't do any of these things, actually, that I CHOSE a life that prevents me from doing any of these things, is super crushing.

I know my mom and family will be OK, Puerto Rico will be OK, we will survive this one like we have many others. Meantime I'll just keep refreshing the CNN homepage, trolling my FB feed for Ada Monzón updates and finding excuses to call my family over and over again. Because my human body might be half way around the world from Puerto Rico, but my mind is RIGHT THERE in the thick of it all.