5 Irreverent Revelations about Pregnancy

Some smart person at some point said you needed 10,000 hours to get good at something. Unfortunately, the powers that be only gave us women 6,720 hours of pregnancy so at the end of this 40-week journey I'll be a whopping 3,280 hours away from being an expert at growing a child inside my body. I run through all this math not to bore you to death (hopefully I didn't do that) but to preface this post by admitting fully, transparently and unashamedly that I don't know what I'm talking about. 

For this reason, and since 95% of what I know about pregnancy I learned from romantic comedies (thanks, Juno), I'm not even going to try to be truly informative in this post but instead share the most irreverent, random thoughts and most shocking revelations I've had on the road to motherhood.

  1. I feel super Sci-Fi and at the same time the closest I've ever been to the Animal Kingdom. I had seen many pregnant bellies before and I knew they got big, but I didn't realize HOW BIG and just how wild the changes in my body would be. At this point, I can't even see my toes. And forget attempting to shave my bikini area...that's like a stage 5 disaster waiting to happen. I also didn't know that my belly button would pop out, that I'd get nauseous when I lay on my back, that there was such a thing as a 'pelvic floor' and that breast feeding would cause my uterus to contract.  Oh and THE CRYING. I won't go into it because even thinking about it will trigger tears. 
  2. There's no 'rushing' to the hospital. You know that scene in movies when the water breaks and everyone rushes to the hospital because the baby is coming and if you don't get there on time it might just come out in the middle of the driveway? Well, it turns out that's a blatant lie. For most women, labor takes FOREVER, usually anywhere between 8-12 hours, your water can break even before the show begins. So yeah...no need to get a speeding ticket. I could probably ride a horse and buggy and get to the hospital before they'll even admit me.
  3. When you're pregnant boundaries POOF disappear. In normal life it's considered impolite to comment on the size of a person's belly, their weight and general appearance (unless it's a compliment). When you're pregnant not only will people, both strangers and friends, do this constantly but some will even reach out and touch you without even asking. I never thought I'd say this but in this case: BUILD THE WALL! 
  4. Babies move ALL THE TIME. I always thought babies were mostly asleep in there with the occasional and rare, gentle kick. Nope. My baby's basically having a dance party on my bladder, which takes me to my next and final revelation...
  5. I might need a diaper. I thought I wouldn't experience incontinence until I was 80 and then I peed on myself at a spin class. It wasn't a ton, but enough to have me quit this particular activity for the time being.

I've learned so much already and I feel like I'm barely getting started. To moms out there, what shocked you the most about pregnancy?

Click here to read this post in Spanish.